Why a person does not look into the eyes of the interlocutor when communicating: reasons, psychology. What does it mean when a person does not look into the eyes during a conversation, but looks away? Why is it important to make eye contact when speaking? How to learn not to be afraid to look people in the eye

The eyes are often called the mirror of the soul. It is the look that helps us to learn about the feelings and emotions of the interlocutor, even if outwardly he does not show them in any way. However, there are times when a person does not look you in the eye. How to evaluate it? In our article, we will explain the main reasons for this.

Why does a person not make eye contact when talking

The eyes are the connecting link between the human soul and the outside world, so they are not capable of lying. One of the most common versions of why a person does not look into the eyes is that a person is simply deceiving or hiding the truth.

However, psychologists have proven the fact that this is not true in any case. There are several possible reasons why a person does not make eye contact with you and looks away.

shyness

This reason has received scientific confirmation. Shy people tend to hide their feelings, and the eyes can easily make them obvious. A look is able to convey interest, love and much more, and a person does not always want his feelings to be understood at this very moment. Therefore, a person cannot constantly look into the eyes.

Too much information

Just a second glance is enough for a person to get as much information about another as he could get in a few hours of communication. Because of the overload of this information, it is necessary to look away for a while.

Irritation

Often, constant eye-to-eye communication makes you nervous and irritated. It begins to seem that the interlocutor is trying to unravel your whole essence, and this is not pleasant for anyone. Therefore, the person does not look into the eyes.

Feelings of insecurity

If in the course of a conversation a person nervously touches something, pulls his hair, the tip of his nose, his ears, this is a clear sign of real emotional excitement. Such a person does not look you in the eye because of the uncertainty in his own actions and in what kind of look would be appropriate in this situation.

heavy look

The heavy, piercing look of the interlocutor causes a feeling of discomfort, it is unpleasant to look into the eyes of such a person.

Lack of interest in the interlocutor

You can recognize the lack of interest not only by looking away, but also by yawning, regularly glancing at your watch, interrupting the conversation under various pretexts, etc. In this case, it is better to try to stop communication as soon as possible.

In order for communication to always be positive and productive, learn to look away from the eyes of the interlocutor as little as possible. Thanks to this, it will be easier for you both in friendly and working relationships.

Why does a person not make eye contact while talking?

According to some observations of people, it was revealed that most people do not look into each other's eyes when talking. Eye contact is mostly used by lovers, and ordinary interlocutors, as a rule, do not look into the eyes at all.

At the same time, the fact was revealed that leaders who are distinguished by an effective management style, when communicating with their subordinates, look them straight in the eye.

We all know that we need to look into the eyes of the interlocutor when talking, but few of us are able to comfortably do this. Sometimes a person does not make eye contact. We try to look into the eyes of our interlocutor, even if we are not very comfortable, but at these moments we feel awkward, because we have not been accustomed to this since childhood.

In some countries (especially in Muslim countries) women generally do not make eye contact when communicating with men and with older people, as this is a sign of disrespect.

Some people think that when communicating, you should look at the bridge of the interlocutor's nose, but such close attention can lead your opponent to nervousness. Well, a direct and persistent look sometimes makes a person insecure.

How to learn to look people in the eye

Try to look at your interlocutor with a softer look, while trying to cover a large area with your eyes, then you will be able to see your interlocutor with peripheral vision for a very long time. The main thing is not to lose eye contact, while not being nervous, and when talking, try to behave calmly.

When looking directly into a person's eyes, pay attention to your facial expression, you should look at him gently and kindly. As a rule, with a close look, you can see in the look a certain rigidity caused by efforts not to look away. If you want to avoid this, then imagine that you mentally support your interlocutor by the shoulder, then your gaze will definitely acquire some warmth.

Sometimes a person does not make eye contact during a dialogue. After all, not everyone can look calmly into the eyes, since most of us do not have confidence in ourselves and in what we say. But this is very important, because in eye contact, the main cause of nervousness is precisely uncertainty.

The main thing to understand is that looking directly into the eyes of the interlocutor, you thereby establish contact with him. At the same time, you must be open and your main goal is to win over the interlocutor.

Try to be attentive to the facial expression of your interlocutor, you can somewhat “mirror” him, that is, take the same pose, or demonstrate emotions with the same facial expressions.

The main thing is not to confuse the ability to look into the eyes with an ugly habit of looking at people, since the latter most often causes hostility from your interlocutor.

Some people ask why a person does not make eye contact when talking. Sometimes there can be several reasons for this, the reception is completely different. Therefore, it is impossible to say that a person is lying or hiding something.

Reasons why a person does not make eye contact

Shyness or self-doubt;
If he wants to hide something, such as affection or love;
The insincerity of his feelings. On the contrary, he can hide something, that he is married, married or other acts;
Heavy look. People who are very powerful have an incredibly heavy gaze that pierces and is unpleasant to others. Cold, as if empty, embittered eyes, not everyone will like it;
Does not want to give information about himself, used to avoid answering, often lies;
No interest in the interlocutor, fatigue.

Other reasons:

When there's just nothing to say

Looking straight ahead imposes some obligations, such as answering honestly a question that has not yet been answered. I don't want to lie, but I can't tell the truth either. That is why a person hides his gaze and leaves the answer. There can be many reasons. And not always an open “honest” supposedly look says that a person is not lying. They just perfectly withstand the eye at point blank range. Such people are accustomed to, and their eyes are quite trained.

If shy and vulnerable

Do not pay special attention to this fact. Not everyone likes to be in a close environment, many are annoyed by the crowd, views from all sides. If one is confident in himself, then the other may be in constant turmoil. Therefore, you should not judge by the look and assume that since a person does not look into the eyes, it means that he is lying, in love or wants to deceive. Maybe he's just not sure of himself or doesn't want to show his weaknesses. People are different. Education, habits or temperament very often leave their mark.

How to make a person look into the eyes?

If a person does not look into the eyes, then you can try to look into them furtively. Call for a conversation on an interesting topic, intrigue, ask a difficult question and see the reaction. Many people are open at this time. You can look at his communication with other people. If a person does not look into the eyes constantly, perhaps he has such a character. May be stubborn or hide feelings. He cannot control himself all the time, so sooner or later he will be able to look into his eyes.

Not all people like to look directly at the interlocutor. Some people don't like looking straight at all. If a person avoids looking, it does not mean that he is hiding something or not finishing, maybe he just has such a style of communication. Most often, people who look away are shy, not self-confident. Also, some people do not look in the eyes if their parents, leaders are authoritarian, or they have a habit of obeying. It’s easier to lower your eyes and say “yes” to them than to hold your gaze.

In ordinary life, we often use such phrases: "eyes run", "promising look", "strangely gleaming eyes", "shoot with eyes", "jinx". The eyes are called the "mirror of the soul", "the window to the world", "the brain turned inside out". A person himself is sometimes called a "big-eyed animal", emphasizing that it is through vision that he receives most of the information from the world around him.

What is eye contact?

Usually under eye contact is understood as the exchange of glances, the time of fixing the gaze on the partner and the direction of the gaze. The development of eye contact is influenced by many factors: gender, age, personality traits, degree acquaintance partners, the system of relations between them, the situation of communication, etc.

Eye contact is the most subtle indicator of relationships between people. It is known that a child from 5-7 weeks focuses on the mother's gaze and soon actively begins to demand eye contact if the mother does not look at him. There is reason to believe that the features of the development of eye contact in child-mother relationships, especially the lack of positive contact, become a source of various experiences, and can form an aggressive orientation in communication.

Psychotherapists leading training groups are often faced with the fact that their participants cannot look into the eyes of another, avoid eye contact. One of the reasons for this is as follows: a person is afraid that the other will "read" in his eyes the true intentions, possibly aggressive, so he "forbids" himself to look into the eyes of another.

The criteria for eye contact analysis are:

spatial characteristics- direct look (interest, respect, open position, confidence, readiness for contact); gaze directed into the distance (thoughtfulness, concentration, doubt, hesitation); a look directed "through the partner" (emphasized disrespect, possible aggressive reaction); a look directed past the partner (egocentrism, focus on oneself); side view (skepticism, cynicism, distrust, concern); look from below, "frowningly" (aggressiveness, reaching readiness for attack or defense; with a bowed head and a tense bent back - subordination, humility); looking down (sense of superiority, pride, arrogance, contempt); hard look(); hard look (secrecy, aggressiveness, sometimes arrogance, distrust);
degree of intensity testifies to the severity of interest in the partner (a closer look, a glance, a glance);
time parameters looking at each other (contact frequency, contact duration).

The most studied eye contact is related to the nature of the interaction and the topic of conversation. It has been established that the speaker looks at the listener at the end of each replica and at the strong points of the message, and the listener looks at the speaker, thus carrying out an information search and informing the interlocutor that he is ready to listen.

Relations between partners

To understand the nature of the relationship between partners, it is important to analyze not so much the main parameters of eye contact as their changes at certain moments of communication: how often the interlocutor looks into the eyes of another is less important than the fact that he stops doing it or, conversely, starts.

With the normal development of relationships, people look at each other from 30 to 60% of the entire period of communication. If two people look at each other more than 60% of the time during a business conversation, then they are most likely more interested in the personality of the partner than in the subject of contact. In a positive relationship, partners look at each other longer and more often when they are listening, and not when they are talking. In the event that the relationship becomes aggressive, the frequency and intensity of views increase dramatically.

Eye contact also increases with increasing distance between the speakers: people tend to look at the speaker more when he is at some distance. Gender and age of partners have a significant impact on the relationship between the time parameters of eye contact and the distance of communication. If in men eye contact increases with increasing distance, then in women this relationship is not so straightforward: the most intense contact is observed when the partners are at a distance of 15 cm; the average - at 60 cm, the smallest - at 3 m. Some authors tend to believe that a large distance between partners blocks the level of influence necessary for women and therefore they simply move away from interaction.

Eye contact is significantly associated with differences in the status of the communicators: eye contact is at an average level with a very high status addressee, reaches a maximum with a moderately high addressee status, and decreases to a minimum with a low addressee status. If the views of the participants in the interaction are turned to any one person, then this indicates his clear leadership position in the group.

In business communication, eye contact helps the speaker feel that he is communicating with a partner, and not speaking into space. Looking at the speaker not only expresses interest, but also helps to focus on what the interlocutor is saying. In business interaction, it is desirable that both the speaker and the listener look into each other's eyes for no more than 10 seconds before starting a conversation or after the first few phrases are spoken. In addition, partners need to strive to ensure that the eyes from time to time meet the eyes of the interlocutor. Approximately 2 sec. before the end of his speech, the speaker increases the percentage of glances at the listener, for 0.25 seconds. this percentage increases more and more, and at the end of the speech, the speaker, as a rule, looks directly into the eyes of the interlocutor, as if saying: "I've said everything, now it's your turn."

Subject for conversation

It's easy to maintain eye contact when discussing a pleasant topic. If the topic is unpleasant or confusing, the persistent gaze is resented and perceived as an interference with personal experiences. Staring prevents positive contact, often taken as a sign of hostility. For this reason, people usually avoid visual contact in situations of dispute, conflict, rivalry, because this contact can be understood as an expression of a negative assessment of a partner. The desire to turn away in these situations is especially characteristic of women.

People tend to look less into the eyes of a person who embarrasses them with tactless questions, immodest remarks, an attempt to invade privacy. Interestingly, in the process of conflicting relationships, people tend to be less likely to punish those who look at them more closely. At the same time, it is not recommended to look into the eyes of a person when he sets out facts that are unpleasant, but emotionally significant for him personally. In this case, the refusal of direct visual contact is perceived as an expression of understanding of the emotional state of the interlocutor.

gaze duration

The frequency, duration and "sightness" of a direct look into the interlocutor's eyes are also determined by individual characteristics. They manifest themselves primarily in the fact that women look at other people on average longer than men, and the contact of a woman's eyes with a female partner is much longer than with a male partner. Men make longer eye contact with male partners than women. Differences are also manifested in another way: in the process of communication, women look much longer at those whom they sympathize with, and men look at those who sympathize with them.

The duration of the gaze also depends on such individual characteristics as the degree of sociability and abstractness of thinking. In general, sociable, open, other-oriented people look at the interlocutors more closely and longer than closed, self-oriented people. Those who think more abstractly look at their partner longer than those who think in concrete images.

Cross-cultural differences also affect gaze duration. So, many peoples of the world have "cultural prohibitions" on eye contact, on close and long looking. For example, the Japanese cover their eyes while traveling on public transport, demonstrating special delicacy towards other passengers. The peoples of the North Caucasus also have restrictions on eye contact: such taboos are related to women communicating with male partners, and to men during their interaction with older people. At the same time, there is a similarity between such indicators of proxemism as eye contact and spatial proximity: cultures that prefer spatial proximity also prefer more pronounced eye contact. Thus, Arabs, compared to North Americans, not only choose a closer location, but also make more eye contact, touch each other more often and talk louder.

Eye contact is associated with certain types of relationship with a partner:

"distance"- positive pole ("inclusion" in contact, relations of affection, interest, acceptance, which corresponds to intense visual contact, obeying the rules in accordance with the role of the communicator and listener); negative pole ("disconnection" from contact, detachment, autonomy, alienation of relationships, expressed by infrequent, non-intense or completely absent eye contact);
"position"- the pole of "control" (dominance, power, suppression, which corresponds to the intensity and duration of looking at the partner, especially during moments of active communication); the pole of "submission" (submissiveness, uncertainty with a characteristic "folded" eye contact, partial and quick glances at the partner, as well as a rather persistent search for the partner's gaze);
"valence"- positive pole (relationships of emotional intimacy, goodwill, sympathy, accompanied by a warm, affectionate look); negative pole ("emotional coldness", suspicion, hostility, expressed by a fixed, hard, cold look).

Thus, each component of non-verbal communication can be considered as a specific code. Any information must be encoded, and in such a way that the system of encoding and decoding is known to all participants in the communication process. But in the case of non-verbal communication, it is necessary to determine which of its components can be considered a code. And if partners do not resort to the same encoding and decoding of information, then non-verbal communication will not give any semantic addition to verbal communication.

Nevertheless, non-verbal communication systems play a large auxiliary, and sometimes independent, role in the communicative process. They are able to both strengthen and weaken the verbal impact, to reveal the true intentions of the participants.

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Many believe that they do not look into the eyes when they are deceiving. Psychologists refute this and assure that there are many reasons why during a conversation a person does not look into the eyes of another. Why doesn't the person make eye contact?

During the experiments, it turned out that in one second, when people look into each other's eyes, they are able to get the amount of information, as well as in 3 hours of active communication. Therefore, constantly looking into the eyes of the interlocutor is not easy, and the person has to look away.

In addition, it has been proven that if people constantly look into each other's eyes, then this annoys them very much. In this case, it seems to a person that they are trying to read or calculate him. And nobody likes it.

In some cases, when talking, looking away is considered a sign of shyness - this is scientifically confirmed. The look gives out the attitude to the object: interest, love or interest - all this makes the eyes look special. Therefore, if a person does not want you to see his feelings right now, then he looks away.

It is hard to look into the eyes of a person who has a heavy look. Already in the first seconds of communication with such a person it becomes uncomfortable, uncomfortable and even unpleasant. Such a look puts pressure on morale and you have to look away.

Why they don't look into your eyes

Another reason why people don't make eye contact is their lack of self-confidence. A person gives out emotional excitement if, in the process of talking, he: sorts something in his hands, pulls at the tip of his nose, ears or hair. Also, he will avoid direct eye contact, because he does not know which look is most appropriate for him to “send” to you.

Why a person does not look into the eyes - often a person does not want to look into the eyes of the interlocutor just because he is not interested in him. In addition to the averted gaze, disinterest is manifested by additional signs: glancing at the clock, yawning, interrupting the conversation under any pretext, etc.

In order not to have problems in communication, you can practice not looking away when talking. Then it will be easier for you to make new friends or build any relationship with people.

Fear

Fear binds and takes away not only the ability to look at the interlocutor, but also to express one's thoughts. You need to learn to reduce adrenaline in the blood, and not let it splash out every time you encounter your boss. For example, no matter how funny it may seem to you, imagine him naked in the shower and in soap, out of tune singing pop music. Did not help? Then mentally turn off his water and light. And How? Isn't he scary anymore? By the way, in the same way, the husband reacts to his wife's question: "Where have you been?" Although this question also covers all other reasons why a husband takes his eyes off his wife when he hears this remark.

This is a conversation between a naughty child and his father or mother. How to look into the eyes if they ask you: “Who broke the vase?” Well, it’s clear who, even a cat understands that now you’ll hang everything on him.

This is the fear of taking responsibility, the desire to shift it to someone else, softness and constant mistakes.

Well, finally become an adult! No need to blush with shame, it's time to blush with pride in yourself.

This is when a guy knows that yesterday he kissed a friend's girlfriend, but he does not know about it. And he begins to hide his eyes so that his friend cannot read anything there. Or a girlfriend said nasty things to another yesterday, and today they are drinking coffee together and eating sugar donuts in their favorite bistro.

The Kotyar method of life is for weak people. Only a cat can shit in the owner's slippers, and then go up to him and start purring and rubbing.

Uncertainty

A person with all his appearance “falls on his shoulder blades”, that is, he looks away and immediately recognizes himself as defeated. I am a small fish, how can I compete with sharks.

Well, look at you! Well, what kind of tyulka are you when algae are with you. Not the gods burn the pots. Everyone is wrong. There are no ideals. Be brave - big things are waiting for you!

What if someone sees what's inside you? He will look into the soul and find out that you are not a primary school teacher, but a maniac nicknamed "saw-10". Or vice versa, yes, you are not a primary school teacher, but a kind magician, so you absolutely do not want someone to walk around the palace of your soul in shoes.

A person does not want to let others into his soul. Therefore, he does not show the doors - the eyes through which it is elementary to get into the spiritual temple.

This is when a person, even if he is a thousand times right, smarter and more successful than the interlocutor, it will seem that everything is wrong, but exactly the opposite. He is a failure, a weakling, a nonentity. And his interlocutor is the ruler of the worlds. Why don't you take a closer look? Maybe he just knows the techniques of gazing.

It happens that it is really unpleasant for a person to look into the eyes of another. Disdains, hates, ignores, but you never know what - does not love and that's it!

The reason may be one or a whole arsenal. But what to do when you need to overcome yourself and force yourself not to look away? This needs to be worked on. And without practice, it just won't work.

Next, we offer several rules, techniques and methods.

Watch TV and watch the look of a hero or winner, such as the look of a boxer before halftime or a politician listening to a journalist's question.

Capture your highlights on video and play them back. For now, just watch and learn how others do it.

And now try to repeat this look - do not take your eyes off yourself. Yes, it's easy. Firstly, you are not smarter than yourself, secondly, you are not afraid, and thirdly ... according to the entire list that is given above. For such a look into the eyes of the interlocutor, willpower, masculinity and trust are needed.

Learning to look into the eyes of the interlocutor does not mean peering directly into the pupils of the emu.

Do not look a person first in one eye, then in the other. So your look will be running, cowardly and fickle. Look at his nose.

This is the best, most correct option that will never let you down.

And now expand the area, go from the bridge of the nose to the triangle - eyes, nose and lips.

From the outside, such a dash from the places of "deployment" of your gaze is not so noticeable, but it will give you maneuverability.

Breathe easy

Show calmness, confidence and relaxation with all your appearance.

If you are short of breath, then it may seem to the interlocutor that you are preparing for a jump, for an attack and will obviously bite him.

Peace, only peace!

The technique is very interesting. You are not afraid of a passerby, are you? That's it! And you have to be afraid. From the point of view of practice, this is a very interesting method to harden your steely gaze, but from the point of view of a black eye ... So look closely at the weak and frail, although here .. he will definitely look away, retreat and you will only have to follow him the top of her head, which is trying to dissolve in the crowd.

You also have peripheral vision and an occipital eye. Everything should work. Then you don’t have to look around and turn at every sound. Imagine you are a machine. You have glass in front, mirrors on the sides and over your head. You see everything around, so you calmly look ahead and masterfully drive the car.

During the peepers, look away, but not just to the side, but to the point. For example, look at a glass and take it in your hands.

You must learn to let go of the interlocutor a little and reduce your grip.

Is it important to you that everyone is comfortable? You need to look a person in the eye, and not devour him with your eyes.

You have to program yourself for something. The item should be small and always be with you, if you forget it, then remember it in detail. But it's better not to forget. It will serve as a kind of talisman, a talisman. First you must choose this item - a coin, a pendant, a ring. Or, as in the movie "Inception" - a small top. At home, looking at him, say affirmations - attitudes towards positive, strength, wealth. In a word - speak an object for good luck.

Installation for luck

The main thing here is to pick up the installation in time. This is a complex but very effective method.

When you are at the peak of fame, fortune, triumph, take some action - hold your fist, show any positive combinations of fingers, or come up with something else.
This state needs to be fixed - anchor in the area of \u200b\u200bgood luck.
And then, in order to pull yourself together and look your interlocutor in the eyes, do exactly the same movement or draw it in detail in your imagination.

Remember how they draw from a cartoon about a school? You need to say a spell and mentally flick your tail. If the "anchor" was installed correctly and works, then when the coded action is performed, the state of luck starts on its own.

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