German men, what are they like? Married to a German. Life after marriage What are Germans like in love relationships?
Firework!
And I’m just writing about the image that comes across to me more often.
Let's begin..
1) Hard work
Taking time off from work is not a German rule. All necessary things will be done in good faith as soon as possible; you can go home only after your conscience is clear.
2) Lack of laziness in everyday life
I noticed the qualities inherent in Russian men only in East Germany. And so, the men here not only help with cleaning, but also cook. If they don’t pass by something dirty, they will clean it. They won't shirk. They iron their shirts themselves or take them to the laundry. Don’t wrinkle your nose when you need to wash dishes.
3) Economy and predictability
What others call out of ignorance greed, I call economy. Girls, having spent at least six months in Germany, understand what's what.
In Germany, people give half their salary to the state, their budget is clearly planned! Yes, the Germans are not inclined to shower girls with gifts that they cannot afford in order to impress them. No one will fluff their tails in front of their friends and throw dust in their eyes. This is simply not in the German character. And if this happens, then either the girl needs to be wary, and she is dealing with a spendthrift, or she was lucky and found a rich man who does not need to think about money. But it won’t do without signs of attention. They will just be more restrained, maybe less romantic, but more practical. And in the future it will be stable man, which is very likely after wedding will be the same as before, which is important.
And in general, German couples are built on the principle solidarity with each other. They do everything together. From cleaning to paying bills.
Here you will find mine post about how Germans save , and here - post about saving as a German lifestyle .
4) Respect for a woman as an individual
A man in Germany respects woman's right on own life. Your job, your career, your budget and self-realization. Naturally, this is usually mutual.Women who don't show desire to develop , remain unclear. Men here also take maternity leave so that women can return to work as quickly as possible. Both partners in Germany work equally, and this is considered happiness, while “staying at home” is a thankless task.
It often happens that women earn more than men in families. It happens that in such cases a man works only part-time to take care of the children. Well, or simply pays more taxes, and the woman pays less. Such decisions are made solely for the sake of mutual benefit and the good of the family. You will rarely see women who are dependent on men and stay at home here. Well, only if with 4-5 children.
And here you will find my post about German women.
5) Control of emotions and reasonable decision making.
After listening to different stories from all sides of Germany, I came to the conclusion that the Germans are very thoughtful and discreet . They do not like quarrels and shouting, and cannot stand scandals. Often, a German man makes a decision about a wedding simply on the basis of cold calculation - “she and I have been together for 635 days, we’ve been living together for as many as 467, so it’s time for us to get married, and it’s quite rational” (a little exaggerated, but very similar to the truth).It’s rare that anyone in this country is so overwhelmed by feelings and emotions that they “throw themselves into the pool headlong.” Everyone here thinks purposefully about their lives and makes decisions based on an analysis of the situation. Sometimes, however, men only need to choose “yes” or “no” to get married, because in Germany it is not only not new, but already almost the norm when a girl proposes. That's it.
6) Taking care of your health and appearance
Running, fitness, proper nutrition, smoking cessation, organic products... German men try to live proper and healthy life.
They also take care of their appearance. They use cosmetics to care for their face and body, take care of their haircut, and the condition and ironing of their clothes.
The average German man can hardly be called a fashionista, but he knows how to present himself. All this, combined with their natural abilities (there are sad exceptions), makes Russian girls ooh and ahh when they arrive in Germany. Yes, many men here are handsome and, moreover, are not spoiled by crowds of beauties, like ours.
7) Honesty and integrity
Okay, I won’t speak for everyone, especially when it comes to honesty in relationships. But what I see is absolute honesty that is not subject to anything. In my other post I called it something like “stupid obedience to the rules”, but here I will be more supportive..)) Did you do something? Confessed. Did you see a violation? Notify the authorities. Forgot to do something? Just say so and don’t make up excuses. Are you late? Warn in advance. Do the rules require anything? Do It. My wife asked what she looked like? Tell me the truth))
Don't be surprised - my husband sometimes behaves as if he is being watched by German authorities around the clock - a ticket is bought even if it's just one unfortunate stop, the garbage is sorted impeccably, and if they forgot to punch something at the checkout - he comes back and pays extra . I think if he acts dishonestly somewhere, his conscience will bite him to death))This kind of honesty disarms me. Sometimes it infuriates, of course, but essentially - I don’t see anything bad in this, only that few Germans can be a little dreamy and a little crazy - like us Russians. This is often missing.
But thanks to the German sense of duty, the ability to be responsible for their words, sincerity, reliability and decency, they give their life partner this an indescribable feeling of confidence in your partner and in the future, so warming a woman’s heart.
8) Height
The height of the average resident of a country is considered an indicator of the overall level of nutrition, health, environment and medical care. Average height of a German man? 187-191cm . Average Russian man's height is 176 cm. Therefore, when you come to Germany, you will most likely be lucky enough to look up to males.
9) Punctuality
Well, this is already a washed-out topic. Although I believe that I am in many ways more punctual than my husband. For him, 10 minutes is not late, but I can’t even be 5 minutes late - I’d better come earlier. But he is rather an exception. The rest of the German men I know are incredibly punctual. And they get very angry when someone is late. Even if it's a girl. Or a train - if passengers are informed that the train will arrive a little later for such and such a reason, then curses and heated discussions of such “disgusting” and “swindle” rush through the carriages. For me personally, this is another reason to laugh at the Germans))
10) Thirst for knowledge
For a man in Germany, it is very important not to stop developing, to discuss, read, be interested, share... this attracts and forces him to develop. Very nice quality.
11) Find happiness in small things
Here this applies, in principle, to both sexes. There is no our national “more, even more” and “but his is better.” Since the bulk of the population belongs to the middle class, the majority live relaxed, without looking at their neighbors, soberly aware of their capabilities and modest needs, trying appreciate what you have And enjoy every pleasant little thing . There is something childish about it. This really attracts and touches me about local men.
12) Moderation
Buying only what is necessary, eating without filling your stomach, drinking without getting drunk, setting realistic goals and making modest gifts - all this is typical of German men. Emotions are within acceptable limits. A violent expression of feelings is almost impossible. The impulsive component is very rarely present in people's character. But in combination with the previous quality, I do not find this point negative. And it’s also contagious - you should see how I buy groceries and go shopping now)) simply miss self-control, discipline and self-control! (here you will find mine post about my German budget planning experience , and here is a post about capsule wardrobe ).
I tried to remain neutral) One thing I can say is that German men have both something for which you can hate them, and something for which you can love them madly. This is individual and depends on your needs and ideas about life.
Write comments and thanks for reading!
Here you will find my post about German women , and on my site map - many of my publications about Germany and my life here.
I hope it was useful to you.
Your Polina
Society >> Customs
“Partner” No. 1 (160) 2011
Once again about love
About the difference in mentalities
Daria Boll-Palievskaya (Dusseldorf)
or How relationships are built between a man and a woman in Germany
To paraphrase Pushkin, we can say: all nations are submissive to love. And using the words of another classic, we can add: they love in their own way. In any case, love stories develop according to different scenarios. Russian men, for example, “buy flowers with all their money and throw them at the feet of the woman they love, or argue with her, or get drunk into unconsciousness, threaten suicide, that is, they try by hook or by crook to win the attention of their chosen one.” In general, they lose their heads.
“A German man in love acts according to plan. He can circle around a woman for years like a moth around a light bulb, buzzing her ears with conversations on socially significant topics, instead of immediately getting down to business and revealing his feelings to her.” And in order to start a real romance, he often needs to “go with the object of his dreams to a restaurant twenty times, on hikes thirty times, drink 50 liters of coffee and eat several kilograms of cakes.” This is how the behavior of compatriots and Germans in love was humorously compared by Vladimir Kaminer, an expert on Russian and German mentalities and a writer living in Berlin, in an article devoted to national stereotypes. (Translation by the author).
As they say, there is some truth in every joke. Is everything really so diametrically opposed? “All people are the same, only their habits are different,” said Confucius. And what is a habit if not what we are used to, that is, what is considered the norm in our society?! And part of the norm is the manner of expressing one’s feelings and the way gender relationships are built.
In a foreign culture, what is most striking is what lies on the surface. However, 90 percent of the cultural pyramid, that is, thinking, principles, norms, like an iceberg, remain invisible and hidden. And we judge solely by what we see. It has already become a byword that the Germans supposedly always and everywhere pay for themselves: “Yes, they are in love, yes, they hold hands, yes, they sit in a cafe, drink only with their left hand, without taking their right hands away from each other.. .Tear off only once to pay. Every man for himself. He and she. Of course, these are their traditions, but what should we do there?” asked M. Zhvanetsky during his next concert in Germany. And his Russian listeners roared with laughter.
Well, of course, the Germans are greedy, the satirist correctly noted! I noticed something, but, as they say, I didn’t know where the bell was hanging. Yes, it is accepted among us that a man always and everywhere pays because he is a man. And the woman does not owe him anything for this. In Germany, if a young man invites a girl to a restaurant, this means that he is not only interested in her, but also expects something. “I remember when I first met my future German husband, he asked permission to invite me for a glass of wine. I was simply taken aback then, isn’t it self-evident that he will pay, and are there any other options? He later told me that his ex-girlfriends initially insisted that they could pay for their coffee themselves,” one Russian friend told me. Behind this lies the same feminism, a woman’s desire to prove her independence, and not thriftiness or the clinginess of a suitor.
“When we went on vacation together, I assumed that Ralph would pay all the expenses, but it was normal for him that we pay everything 50/50, although he also took on the costs of the rental car. At first I was offended: after all, he knows that I earn little, and in general in Russia this would be simply impossible. And then I realized that Ralph saw in me not a kept woman, but a partner, a woman whom he respected precisely because she was able to go through life on her own and did not need a man who always and everywhere paid for her.” 
The stereotype about the stinginess of the Germans sits so deeply in our subconscious that we are ready to explain everything precisely by this trait of the German character. In fact, a German man is also capable of showering his beloved with flowers or inviting her to a chic restaurant. It is precisely the Germans, it seems to me, who are very creative, romantic and generous towards their chosen ones. (If they allow it.) But they do not believe that it is their responsibility to act as a sponsor. This is how they were raised by German women. And sometimes they seem almost intimidated by the confident fair sex.
The same Russian friend shared: “A German friend once helped me assemble a cabinet from IKEA. Well, I decided to thank him and invited him to dinner. So he, poor thing, decided that we would have an affair. “No woman has ever cooked for him,” he admitted.” Yes, German women do not spoil their men! Well, even if the Germans are not greedy, many will say they are certainly ungallant. And they will never open the car door, they will not let you forward, and they will not give you a hand when getting off the bus. “A man always opens the car door for a lady. If the car is new. Or a lady,” the Germans self-ironically, knowing that they do not shine with refined manners.
And again, behind this clumsiness lies almost the fear of showing the woman her superiority, what if she says that she does not need help and is able to lift the suitcase herself? But it would never occur to a Russian gentleman, who has just fluttered around the lady of his heart, to, for example, ask her if it is possible to smoke in her presence. Because deep down in his soul he is sure that he can do anything. After all, he is a man.
Well, okay, we convinced you, the Germans are polite in their own way. But they are completely incapable of flirting! Yes, light flirting is a difficult thing. After all, the Germans are convinced that the success of any business depends on how thoroughly you prepare for it. Therefore, in Germany you can take courses “The Art of Flirting”, where for a lot of money men persistently learn the science of understanding women. Or rather, they memorize pre-prepared phrases that supposedly have an irresistible effect on women. For example, such as: “Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I pass you by again?” or “Hi, I don’t think we know each other yet!” Yes strong! You can't say anything! But with a guarantee that everything was done correctly. Otherwise you will rely on yourself and come up with something politically incorrect. This is probably also why German couples love to delve into their feelings so much, as it is called in German “Beziehungen klären”.
In general, around this word “Beziehung” (relationship) in modern German so many words with the same root have been formed - Beziehungsangst, Beziehungsstress. And they are all somehow negative. Even the word "Beziehungsarbeit" exists. To remember that the relationship between him and her is, first of all, hard work. I remember how many years ago, in a company of students from Russia, we discussed the question of why a romance between a Russian and a German is possible, but between a German and a Russian is almost impossible? We did not come to a common denominator then. And it was also completely unclear to us where they even met each other, because it seems that all the couples have been together with each other literally since kindergarten. This is probably safer so as not to start Beziehungsarbeit from the very beginning. In addition, a Russian man will never understand what a German woman wants from him. On one Internet forum, a German girl in love with a Russian colleague writes: “Here, in Russia, it is generally not customary to discuss your feelings with your partner. But for me it is very important!
I tried several times, but without success. Now I decided to write everything down and show him.” Well, we can wish you success. This is a woman's point of view.
German men look very positively at the Russian model. Thus, the popular German actor Heino Ferch, who starred in a film in St. Petersburg, recalled nostalgically about Russia: “I was delighted how simple and clear everything is with the Russians. Girls are feminine and master the art of erotic play. Guys are courageous, but not in the sense that they are macho. It’s just that in a relationship between a man and a woman, everything goes without saying. And you don’t have to, as happens with us, constantly think about how and what to say or interpret what someone meant.”
Having come across numerous articles and essays online on the topic “Russian women - what are they like?”, “Typical image of a French woman” or “Polynesian women and their views on motherhood”, I suddenly thought: why are there so few articles about men of one nationality or another?
Maybe there are actually a lot of them, I just didn’t come across them? And where can you read about them? At Men's Health? This is how the idea arose to chat a little about German men, to introduce you to them and to look at them with a more biased look.
We should probably start with what a typical representative of Germany looks like. German men are usually tall, thin, long-legged, and often fair-haired. Facial features are sharp. Bad character. Not married (c)
Joke…
Since it is as difficult to find a typical German in Germany as in Moscow - a native resident of at least the second generation, then, of course, the range of external characteristics of a German is actually very wide. There are short ones, there are redheads, there are fat ones.
Let's move on to the peculiarities of the national character, there is something to profit from there. Here are a few characteristics of a typical Helmut or Gunther.
Helmut is sentimental and romantic
I think much more than Russian men. Coming to the supermarket for shopping, he can easily grab a couple of bouquets of tulips, and not to give them to his wife on March 8th, or, dare I say it, Rosa Luxemburg, but just to lift his own mood.
In the apartment of Helmut, who lives alone, you can often find melted candles, vases of flowers, and cute pillows on the sofa. He did not inherit them from his ex, and were not even brought with her by one of the contenders for his heart and hand. He bought them himself (of course, on sale, because saving is everything to us), solely to create comfort in his own apartment.
Oh yes, saving is very important for a German man.
Helmut is very frugal
And this is not stinginess - this is a principle: everything should be worth the money.
Let us give a case as an illustration: in the supermarket next to our house there are no long queues, but here we had to stand: the cashier sold tomatoes to one man at 2.99 euros per kg, without seeing that there was a discount on them that day, and they cost 1.55 euros! The man, zealously checking the receipt after the purchase, caught the cashier. There was no scandal, but the rights had to be restored, so the check was canceled, the cash register was reloaded, the queue waited patiently and understandingly, because the German queue understands what justice is. This lasted about 10 minutes.
Of course, you are now impatiently awaiting news from us - has the German man received his won 1.44 euros? We hasten to assure you: we received it! And, satisfied, he went home!
Because ordnung, i.e. order was restored. And Helmut loves order most of all.
If, wanting to meet you in a restaurant or cafe, Helmut says: “I invite you” - you are lucky, he will pay for you! And you can safely order truffles in champagne (just don’t get too carried away with champagne and behave decently, he doesn’t like surprises in public places).
If he hasn't said that he's inviting you, then be prepared to split the bill. Perhaps, of course, he believes that paying for a woman is a matter of course, this also happens. But still, be prepared - just in case.
Helmut - esthete
Usually his shoes are always polished, his shirt is ironed, he also has a neat haircut and very well-groomed hands. Many guys go for manicures and pedicures, and at the same time they prefer women. A German man loves red wine in a beautiful glass, impressionist paintings and expensive watches and cars. And also after 45 years, many of them have an uncontrollable desire... to play the piano. Anyone, but I know this better than anyone. About 30% of my students are men. And, no matter how much they wanted to flatter themselves, experience showed that they really wanted... to play the piano. And nothing more.
Hellmut loves football
He was already born with a ball in his hands. Or with a mug of beer, which he will bang in ecstasy on the table of the bar, where he will watch the next national league match. During the broadcast of the World Cup, not a single living bird is seen on the streets of Germany, let alone a living man. All male children are enrolled in the football section.
You don't like football and at the same time you are a man and live in Germany? So you are not German.
Helmut can speak competently and well, regardless of his social status and education
I noted this for myself a long time ago, when, due to life circumstances, I was forced for a long time to use the services of one taxi company, the owner of which was a German, who himself willingly sat behind the wheel, and also maintained a staff of ten employees - taxi drivers, whom he, in principle, recruited from his compatriots.
I must admit, bowing my head, that I have not heard such Hoch Deutsch (high German, the officially accepted polite form of German spoken by television announcers), even from Angela Merkel. The speech patterns of the taxi drivers simply made me go crazy, feeling like a loader at the Promzona store who had recently come out of a three-week binge... The taxi drivers used phrases that would make a Harvard professor covered in red spots from the realization of his illiteracy.
Helmut loves to cook
There is even such family entertainment: cooking together. I first heard about this from one of the nicest German married couples, who answered my question: “How did you spend your weekend?” - They answered with pride: “We cooked!”
Poor things, I thought... They had to kill themselves like that on the weekend... How many guests were they expecting? Why couldn’t it be possible to put aside this fundamental saving once and go to a restaurant, since the income of this family clearly allowed them to have the best? But no, then I just didn’t know that cooking together is as much a pleasure for Germans as going to the cinema or theater together.
They plan this for a long time: they go to the store together, buy everything they need, and then on their free day they start working miracles - preparing, say, asparagus consommé.
It looks something like this: while drinking wine, they put something into a pan, from which this consommé then comes out:
“Gunther,” the lady says conspiratorially and even somewhat intimately, “would you mind passing me some salt to salt the consommé?”
“Of course, dear,” says Gunther on Hoch Deutsch, and brings salt, as well as thyme leaves.
-Darling, why Herr...Gunther did you bring me thyme? - starting to get excited, the quarrelsome Greta mutters, - when I asked you, in a normal German Hoch Deutsch, to bring only salt?
And a quarrel breaks out. A pan of consommé lands straight on Gunther’s head, thyme is less fortunate - it hasn’t even been included in Belonika’s recipes so far away...
No, no, this doesn't actually happen.
The German couple cooks harmoniously and efficiently, it turns out very tasty, and then they eat it all together, smacking their lips and washing it down with some Mosel wine from the 2003 harvest.
Popular German pop songs, which are played daily on all radio stations, deserve special mention. They can add zest to the portrait of a German man.
One day I heard a song on the radio. How interesting, I thought, listening to the text! What a fun idea to set the instructions for using a washing machine to music!
Then, after listening, I realized that I had gotten carried away. There was a song from the top chat in Germany, a song about great love.
I am attaching a translation:
"Could you fix me,
so that I can function better?
'Cause if you don't fix me,
I won’t be able to function anymore!”
This song is about the love of a German man, it is also sung by a man, by the way.
You are not tired?
Then I’ll sing you another very popular song here. It plays on the radio about three times a day.
"I can't find a woman,
I'm still searching, I'm looking for a 100% hit.
But I'm always missing something
and I ask myself:
When will it be not 99%, but 100?
When will everything fit exactly and no adjustment will be needed?
When will I tell myself: this definitely suits me absolutely 100%?”
This song is also sung by a man, and it is after the phrase about “100 percent” that he jumps up pathetically and hits a very high note. Apparently he is seriously worried. How not to worry if his debits and credits don’t match, no matter what!
I hope you have a fairly positive picture and you urgently want to meet some German man. But I must warn you: do not flatter yourself!
Among the men here there are also illiterate, cloudy-minded Golden Customers of McDonald's, beer lovers in the morning, which somehow does not add positive lines to their resume and even Hoch Deutsch does not save them; There are men who are not men at all and want to get married themselves; there are especially many of them in Cologne, a city recognized as the “capital of sexual minorities in Nord-Rhein Westphalia,” and there are also carriers of many other shortcomings.
But why do we need to talk about insufficient men? We must look for the positive in everything, so there is no place for them in our story. We are for beauty and positive emotions in everything!
Therefore, here are finally a few photos of real handsome German men.
And (get your husbands away from the screens!) my wish for you: may you dream about them today. For a change.
Let Brad Pitt sleep peacefully for at least one night!
Sweet Dreams!
What is it like, an affair with a German?
Journalist Nadezhda Gavrilova talks about German “romance” and the attitude of German residents towards family and marriage. “Is your husband German or normal?” - random compatriots abroad once asked.
“My husband is normal,” I answer. This means - domestically produced, with quirks and oddities that we understand. German husbands and boyfriends have their own quirks: sometimes cute, sometimes not so much.
Firstly, as you know, Germany is not a country where a girl, walking down the street, hears behind her back admiring sighs, whistles and cries of “Ciao, bella!” German men are not often ready to take the initiative in love affairs, for which foreign women often reproach them for being weak-willed. Fortunately, German women were not at a loss in this matter and learned to take the bull by the horns on their own, so as not to wait six months for a potential gentleman to gather his strength and invite him on a date.
I know stories when a girl approached a young man and knocked him out with a straight line: “You probably noticed that I am not indifferent to you. How about a relationship?” The further development of events depends on the gentleman - he may immediately agree, or he may shirk under the pretext that he is not good enough.
So if the German you like does not take decisive action, local etiquette allows the weaker sex to launch an attack on their own. American women, when discussing Germans, directly advise their compatriots not to waste time on timid flirtation, but to act as obviously as possible.
Secondly, Germans love order in everything, and romantic relationships also cannot be a testing ground for chaos.
Let's say you met a true Aryan: you are attractive, he is damn attractive, why, one wonders, waste time. And you don’t lose, you carry out a rapid offensive and begin to see each other from time to time, sometimes in the evenings resolving important issues: to you or to me? A simple Russian girl at this moment may think that you have started a relationship. But no - this is what you have for now, “scam”, which means easy, non-binding sex. Until you discuss what is actually happening between you, it will be considered a scam - both by the hero of the novel and by those around him.
Only when you agree out loud among yourself that you are in a relationship, and notify your friends that “starting at noon yesterday, consider us officially a couple,” will others perceive you accordingly. So until your ardent admirer has told you clearly and clearly what is happening between you, it is better not to call this interaction a relationship. The relationship here is defined clearly and distinctly, and, of course, not only the beginning, but also the end.
So, one day when I dropped in to see my friends, I found them chatting peacefully in the kitchen. And they calmly said that, by the way, they decided to break up yesterday, and continued their friendly conversation. So, when meeting a German, you can be calm: he is unlikely to suddenly hang up and ignore your calls.
At least until he tells you that it’s all over. Of course, not all Germans can boast of such Nordic restraint, so not everyone is ready to do without quarrels and scandals, but no one has canceled the traditional ritual of clearly defining boundaries.
Third, of all Europeans, Germans are perhaps the most politically correct.
And this manifests itself, among other things, in the fear of inadvertently discriminating against someone. The good side of this quality is that German men respect a woman’s personal life - her plans, decisions, rights and independence. The other side of the coin, however, also exists.
For example, German men are much less likely to open doors for women, give women coats, give flowers, or give up their seat on public transport. Like, if, dear, you wanted equality, I don’t dare limit you. And, I must say, German women encourage these nuances.
So, if the beautiful Brünnhilde goes on vacation or a business trip, she will drag a heavy suitcase along with her on her own. Russian men receive decisive rebuff from German women when trying to pay a joint bill in a cafe or restaurant.
"I can't be bought!" - German women are insulted.
Fourth, couples and families in Germany, of course, are also different. But often even within the family there is a clear distinction: “this is your dance space, this is mine.” So, everyone can have their own budget, but for economic needs there is a common cash register, which is replenished in equal or shared proportions. In a restaurant, everyone often pays for themselves, however, sometimes one family member can treat another. They also chip in equally for vacations.
If one cannot afford a vacation, then the other half can choose whether to pay for part of the partner’s trip or go on the trip themselves. Germans spend their vacations and travels both together and separately, and no one disputes the right of everyone to have such an independent vacation.
So, our friends have the following system: she regularly travels with her children and her parents, and he goes to neighboring countries for long weekends to play sports several times a year. But at the same time, they take one vacation a year with the whole family.
Another couple we know, who have been living peacefully and happily for more than 10 years, every year on the most important holiday of the year - Christmas - they quietly leave for their parents: he goes to Dresden, she goes to Budapest. And they don’t have any discussions about “whose parents we’re celebrating with this year.”
Fifthly, to the issue of family. Germans calmly enter into relationships, live together for years, but are in no hurry to get married and have children. There are often situations here where couples live together for 7–10 years and only then get married. Or they have children first, and get married a few years later. So, I know a couple who lived together for almost 20 years, had a child and only then decided to get married.
By the way, they didn’t get married because their feelings stood the test of time. On the contrary, the wife said that she thought the idea of making a promise that she would never love anyone again in her life was strange. And these ardent lovers visited the registry office to save an additional 200 euros on taxes. Therefore, if you are planning a blitzkrieg with an eye to a magnificent wedding and numerous offspring, you will either have to be patient or expand the geography of your search.
Journalist
I’ve been married too long and “very”, so I don’t have my own experience of communicating with German men. But my single friend recently met a German. She was walking with her children in the park, and a handsome man approached them. At first everything was fine: he played football with her children, joked a lot, laughed. And he invited them for a joint walk in the park in a week. In the park, a man bought ice cream for the children, beer for his girlfriend and himself. Everyone had a great time, the adults exchanged phone numbers in hopes of continuing their acquaintance. But after a couple of days of correspondence with a new acquaintance, my friend realized that this was not the hero of her novel at all, and tried to say goodbye tenderly, thanking her for a pleasant walk. Not so! First, this boyfriend really shook her nerves in the messenger, and then completely... asked her to return the money spent on her and the children in the park! (Let me remind you: 2 ice creams and a beer.) And this was not a joke. The story impressed me. And I decided to ask my friends who have been happily married to Germans for a long time.
I asked everyone the same questions. The answers, I admit, turned out to be quite unexpected.
Myth No. 1: All Germans are cheapskates
Katya, married to a German for 2.5 years:“It’s not true, but they are thrifty and take money seriously. My husband will never throw money away and make some stupid impulsive purchases. Before meeting me, he could be called an extremely frugal person: he wore out shoes and clothes to holes, from cosmetics he had one shampoo, which cost both shaving foam and shower gel. He also ate very ascetically. I began to actively fight this, and now he is more comfortable spending money on himself, although he still has good cosmetics and expensive I usually give him accessories. But his past has provided us with huge advantages: we bought an apartment, we have no debts. We live a good, well-fed life. My husband invests a lot in the house (repairs, furniture), especially when it comes to security. He is also very civilly and politically aware, and for us it is completely natural to buy products in a bio-supermarket (although it is 1.5-2 times more expensive than usual), pay a little more for environmentally friendly electricity, have an account in a “green” bank, and so on. This is meaningful spending.
Sometimes I would like, of course, for him to be more relaxed about money, because sometimes you want a spontaneous holiday. I think that in our couple we balance each other out in this regard.”
Lena, married to a German for 4 years:“Firstly, qualities such as stinginess and hoarding do not depend on nationality. Secondly, one should not confuse tight-fistedness with practicality. And, in fact, what’s wrong with the fact that the average German plans his spending wisely and in advance and doesn’t buy too much? In addition, Germany is now being swept by a wave of reasonable (environmentally friendly) consumption: buying products without plastic packaging, buying a bicycle instead of a car, only clothes that will actually be worn. I would say that the Germans live by the principle of reasonable economy: do not pay where you can not pay. A German man will not show off and bribe with expensive gifts (and, by the way, if he receives an expensive gift, he will most likely feel awkward). Considering that people here enter into serious relationships when they are quite old, the boyfriend will conquer his chosen one with others: experience, care, intelligence, and not money.”
Myth No. 2: Germans don’t know how to look after people and don’t give bouquets and sweets.
Kate: “My husband can still give a bouquet of flowers for no reason, but at the beginning of the relationship he generally paid for everything. But the main charm of his courtship was far from the financial side: he immediately showed himself to be a very attentive person. When we first started dating, I had a cold, lived in a dorm, and didn’t have a warm blanket - he immediately brought me one. Once on March 8, he gave me a real quest: he gave me clues about the place of our date, where he met me with a gorgeous bouquet of flowers and a visit to my favorite restaurant. For my engagement, I received a ring with a large designer diamond.
Once I had a short period of difficult psychological state, and then he himself recorded a funny song for me, prepared a bunch of pleasant surprises to make me feel better. He is very attentive to the choice of gifts for me; there has never been a situation where he bought something at the last moment - he starts preparing gifts for me a couple of months in advance. We don’t have the standard patriarchal-gender nonsense in our relationship, and my husband buys me gifts not because he’s a “man, so he has to,” but because he sincerely wants to please me.”
Lena: “And here again German practicality comes into play, coupled with gender equality: why do for a woman what she can do for herself? I remember how confused my German father-in-law was at first when, at a common table, I, like a decent Russian girl, waited for a man to pour wine into an empty glass. “I don’t understand this,” he shrugged. - The bottle is standing next to you, just stretch out your hand! Besides, you yourself know better exactly how much to pour.” It's the same with the door. If this is not a massive cast-iron door of the author's forging of the late 18th century, 4 meters high and half a meter thick, then in the understanding of a German man, a woman is able to open it herself. Although just yesterday, when my husband and I were returning from the store with full bags (preceding comments, I’ll immediately clarify that his bags were heavier and larger than mine), one German man, seeing that our hands were full, specially stopped to hold the door for us at the supermarket. In general, since I recently became the happy owner of a Berlin cafe, I can say with full responsibility: German men open doors for their women, offer a hand, and help them put on a coat. But with flowers - yes, there’s a problem. And I even know why. There are so many flower shops in Germany and the prices for bouquets are so affordable that leaving work and not buying tulips, roses or chrysanthemums is actually a crime! Flowers are an integral attribute of German life, like, for example, a rug with the inscription “Herzlich Willkommen” (Welcome!) in the entrance, a Christmas wreath by the door, frames with photographs on the wall or checkered curtains in the kitchen. So again we return to the point about practicality: why buy a second bouquet if there is already one? Although personally, I am ready to forgive German men for this only because they almost always - regardless of age and years spent together - tenderly hold their women’s hands, and also do not hesitate to hug and kiss them in public and affectionately address their companions “Schatz "("treasure" - editor's note.)».
Myth No. 3: Germans do not require women to cook daily or have a perfectly clean house
Kate: “I came into this relationship with my own set of (rather backward) ideas about gender roles. That is, it was me, not him, who thought that I needed to be a “hostess.” But it quickly became clear that all this stereotypical nonsense did not work. My husband cooks well, cleans well (plus performs the entire standard set of traditionally “male” functions, such as furniture assembly and minor repairs), and he does not need a cook or housekeeper. I cook from inspiration when I have time and desire. At the same time, from a purely practical standpoint, it turns out that I do more housework: my husband works full time, and I work from home, so I physically have more time and opportunity to cook and keep things in order. Perfect cleanliness and borscht-pies are not significant values for my husband. If he thinks the apartment is dirty, he will clean it himself. He likes to do housework and tidying up when he has time.”
Lena: "This is true. For Germans, eating is an important ritual. Of course, not to the same extent as, for example, for the Italians or the French, but they cook here in houses only on special occasions. And then none of our “table was bursting with food”! Everything is according to a clear menu and with a clear number of servings. In everyday life, most Germans prefer to either have a snack in a cafe, or order something at home, or buy fast food from the nearest supermarket. Therefore, when our girls, brought up on the old saying “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,” spend several hours at the stove to surprise their loved one with jellied meat, borscht and herring under a fur coat, he, of course, will be flattered and touched. But next time, most likely, he will say something like: “Darling, let’s better spend this time walking in the park, and then go to the Indian restaurant around the corner.” Well, I’ll probably surprise you completely if I say that at home I don’t know the way to the kitchen. In our Russian-German family, only the German husband cooks.”
Myth No. 4: love is love, but money is separate
Kate: “We pay for ourselves equally everywhere. Exceptions are holidays (we celebrate our wedding every month), then my husband pays for me in a restaurant, and I, for example, leave a tip. I am absolutely comfortable having a separate budget. This way I don’t depend on my husband, I don’t lose my working skills, I have the motivation to work and develop in a foreign country. Plus, psychologically, it gives a feeling of an equal right to vote in resolving controversial issues and, of course, freedom and independence. And I don’t think that my husband should pay for me simply because he is a man: although he has a higher salary, he will spend the difference not on himself, but on something significant for both of us, for example, upgrading a house. I think if I had a patriarchal husband who paid for everything, it would be very unpleasant, I would feel obligated to him and would not be able to behave the way I like, but would be forced to adapt to him.”
Tanya, married to a German for 8 years:“When we decided to live together, he suggested dividing the budget so that one pays for the apartment, the other for food. It turned out that this was a test of how “correctly”, from his point of view, I manage money. A month later, when I once again needed to go to the store, he simply gave me his wallet. Since then we have had the same score.”
Lena: “Often it’s true. The most telling example of this is a scene from a report that was recently shown on German television. In it, a German bachelor of about 40 years old was looking for a bride in Russia. After the third date with him in a restaurant, the lady of her heart still refused the overseas groom. And what outraged him most of all was not the refusal itself. “I could have said everything on the first evening, I wouldn’t have had to spend money on two more dinners!” the annoyed boyfriend exclaimed directly into the camera. Why is there a TV, among my friends there is a married couple who have been together for 15 years, but they have a separate budget: restaurant bills, rent, and vacations - everything is divided in half. They love each other dearly, they will soon have a child, but financial independence and equality for them are the key to a strong relationship. Although many of our mutual German friends look at this couple askance, the family budget in Germany is, as a rule, common. But if things haven’t come to the point of living together yet, everyone pays for themselves. It’s more reliable this way.”
