How to correctly explain to a child what death is? How to tell a child about death so that the news does not traumatize his psyche. How to tell a child why people die.

If one of the family members has died, then the child should be told the truth. As life shows, all options like “Mom/Dad went on a business trip for six months” or “Grandma has moved to another city for now” can have negative consequences.

Firstly, the child simply will not believe it or will decide that you are not telling what you are saying. Because he sees that something is wrong, that something has happened in the house, for some reason people are crying, the mirrors are curtained, you can’t laugh loudly. Children's imagination is rich, and the fears it creates are quite real for the child. The child will decide that either he himself or someone in the family is in danger of something terrible. Real grief is more understandable and easier than all the horrors that a child can imagine.

Secondly, “kind” uncles and aunts, other children or compassionate grandmothers in the yard will tell the child the truth. And it is still unknown in what form. And then the feeling that his relatives lied to him will be added to his grief.

Who's better to talk to?

First condition: a person close and dear to the child, the dearest and closest of all those remaining; the one who has lived and will continue to live with the child; someone who knows the child well.

Second condition e: the one who will speak must control himself enough to speak calmly, without breaking into hysterics or uncontrollable tears (those tears that well up in the eyes are not a hindrance); he will have to finish speaking to the end and still be with the child until he realizes the bitter news.

To complete this task, choose a time and place when you will be in a “resource state”, and do not do it while relieving tension with alcohol. You can use mild natural sedatives, such as valerian.

The child will not blame the one who tells him about what happened

Often adults are afraid of being “black messengers.” It seems to them that they will hurt the child, cause pain. Another fear is that the reaction that the news will cause will be unpredictable and terrible (screaming, tears that the adult will not know how to cope with). None of this is true. Alas, what happened happened. Fate dealt the blow, not the messenger. The child will not blame the one who tells him about what happened: even small children distinguish between the event and the one who is talking about it.

As a rule, children feel gratitude to the one who brought them out of the unknown and supported them in difficult times. Acute reactions are extremely rare, since the realization that something irreversible has happened, pain and melancholy come later, when the deceased begins to miss in everyday life. The first reaction is, as a rule, amazement and attempts to imagine what it would be like to “die” or “died”...

When and how to talk about death

It's better not to delay. But sometimes you have to take a short break, because the person reporting must calm down a little himself in order to control himself during the conversation. Still, speak as quickly after the event as you can. The longer the child remains in the feeling that something bad and incomprehensible has happened, that he is alone with this unknown danger, the worse it is for him.

Choose a time when the child is not overtired, when he has slept, eaten and does not experience physical discomfort, when the situation is as calm as possible under the circumstances. Do this in a place where you will not be interrupted or disturbed, where you can talk calmly. Do this in a place that is familiar and safe for the child (for example, at home), so that later he has the opportunity to go and, if necessary, be alone or use familiar and favorite things. A favorite toy or other object can sometimes calm a child better than words.

The longer a child remains in the feeling that something bad and incomprehensible has happened, the worse it is for him

Hug a little child or take it on your lap. You can put your arm around the teenager’s shoulders or take his hand. The main thing is that this contact is not unpleasant for the child, and also that it is not something out of the ordinary. If hugging is not customary in your family, then it is better not to do anything unusual in this situation. It is important that at the same time he sees and listens to you, and not look with one eye at the TV or window. Make eye-to-eye contact.

Keep it short and simple. In this case, the main information in your message should be duplicated. “Mom died, she is no more” or “Grandfather was sick, and the doctors could not help. He died". Don’t say “gone”, “fell asleep forever”, “left” - these are all euphemisms, metaphors that are not very clear to a child. After this, take a break. There is no need to say more. Whatever else the child needs to know, he will ask himself.

What can children ask?

Young children may be interested in technical details. Will they bury it or not? Will worms eat it? And then suddenly he asks: “Will he come to my birthday?” Or: “Dead? Where is he now?"

Don't be surprised, don't be indignant, Do not consider these to be signs of disrespect, no matter what strange question the child asks. It is difficult for a small child to immediately understand what death is. Therefore, he “gets it in his head” what it is. Sometimes it gets pretty weird. To the question: “He died - how is that? What is he like now?” You can answer in accordance with your own ideas about life after death, speak in words that a child can understand, in short sentences.

Don't be scared under any circumstances. Do not say what these sins are as punishment, and avoid explaining that it is “like falling asleep and not waking up”: the child may begin to be afraid to sleep or watch other adults so that they do not sleep, otherwise they will not wake up. As a rule, they ask with alarm: “Are you going to die too?” Answer honestly that yes, but not now and not soon, but later, “when you are big, big, when you have many more people in your life who will love you and whom you will love...” Draw the child’s attention to this that he has relatives, friends, that he is not alone, that many people love him besides you. Tell them that with age there will be even more such people. For example, he will have a wife/husband and his own children.

The first days after the loss

After you have said the main thing, just silently stay next to him. Give your child time to absorb what he hears and respond. In the future, act in accordance with the child’s reaction. If the child responded to the message with questions, then answer them directly and sincerely, no matter how strange or inappropriate these questions may seem to you. If your child cries, hug him or hold his hand. If your child runs away, do not go after him right away. See what he is doing after a short time, 20-30 minutes. Whatever he does, try to determine whether he wants you there.

Sometimes people have the right to grieve alone, even very young ones. But this should be checked. If your child sits down to play or draw, slowly join in and play or draw with him. Don’t offer anything, play, act according to his rules, the way he needs. If he cries, try hugging and comforting him. If he pushes you away, say “I’m here” and sit next to him without saying or doing anything. Then slowly start a conversation. Say sympathetic words. Tell us about what will happen in the near future - today and in the coming days. If the child wants to be alone, asks you to leave the room or moves away from you, let him be.

The theme of death may appear in his games (for example, he will bury toys), in drawings

Do not change your usual daily routine on this day or at first. Don't try to do anything exceptional for your child, such as giving him chocolate that is usually forbidden to him, or preparing something that the family usually eats during the holidays. Let the food be ordinary and also the one that the child will eat. Neither you nor he have the strength to argue about “tasteless, but healthy” that day.

Before going to bed, sit with him a little longer or, if necessary, until he falls asleep. Allow him to leave the light on if he is afraid. If your child is scared and asks to come to your bed, you can take him with you on the first night, but don’t offer it yourself and try not to make it a habit: it’s better to sit next to him until he falls asleep. Tell him what life will be like next: what will happen tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, in a week, in a month. Fame is calming. Make plans and carry them out.

Participation in wakes and funerals

It is worth taking to funerals and memorials only if if there is a person next to the child whom the child trusts and who can deal only with him: take him away in time, calm him down if he cries. Someone who can calmly explain to the child what is happening and protect (if necessary) from too persistent condolences. If they start wailing over a child, “Oh, you little orphan,” or “How are you now,” this is of no use. In addition, you should be sure that the funeral (or wake) will be held in a moderate atmosphere (someone's hysterics may frighten the child). Finally, you should take your child with you only if he wants to. It is quite possible to ask the child how he would like to say goodbye: to go to the funeral (tell me how it will be), or maybe it would be better for him to go to the grave with you later?

If you think it is better for him not to attend, and you want to send him to another place (for example, to relatives), then tell him where he will go, why, who will stay there with him and when you will pick him up. For example: “Tomorrow you will stay with your grandmother, because a lot of different people will come to us here, they will cry, and this is hard. I’ll come pick you up at 8 o’clock.” Of course, the people with whom the child stays should, if possible, be “friends”: those acquaintances or relatives whom the child often visits and is familiar with their daily routine. Also agree that they treat the child “as always,” that is, do not regret it out loud, do not cry over him.

The deceased family member performed some functions in relation to the child. Maybe he bathed him or picked him up from kindergarten, or maybe he was the one who read the child a fairy tale before bed. Do not try to replace the deceased and return to the child all the lost pleasant activities. But try to preserve what is especially important, something the lack of which will be especially noticeable. Most likely, at these very moments, the longing for the departed will be more acute than usual. Therefore, be tolerant of irritability, crying, anger, the fact that the child is dissatisfied with the way you are doing this, the fact that the child wants to be alone and will avoid you.

The child has the right to grieve

Don't avoid talking about death. As the topic of death is “processed,” the child will come up and ask questions. This is fine. The child tries to understand and accept very complex things using the mental arsenal that he has.

The theme of death may appear in his games (for example, he will bury toys), in drawings. At first, do not be alarmed that these games or drawings will be aggressive in nature: brutally “tearing off” the arms and legs of toys; blood, skulls, the predominance of dark colors in the drawings. Death has taken away a loved one from a child, and he has the right to be angry and “speak” to her in his own language. Do not rush to turn off the TV if the topic of death flashes in a program or cartoon. Do not deliberately remove books in which this topic is present. It might be even better if you have a “starting point” to talk to him again. Do not try to distract from such conversations and questions. The questions will not disappear, but the child will not go to you with them or decide that something terrible is being hidden from him that threatens you or him.

On average, the period of acute grief lasts 6-8 weeks

Do not be alarmed if the child suddenly begins to say something evil or bad about the deceased. Even in the crying of adults, the motive “who did you leave us with” slips through. Therefore, do not prohibit your child from expressing his anger. Let him speak out, and only then tell him, repeat that the deceased did not want to leave him, but it just so happened. That no one is to blame. Nobody wanted this to happen. And that the deceased loved him and, if he could, would never have left him.

On average, the period of acute grief lasts 6-8 weeks. If after this time the child continues to be afraid, if he wets the bed, grinds his teeth in his sleep, sucks or chews his fingers, twists and/or tears his eyebrows or hair, rocks in a chair, runs on tiptoes for a long time, is afraid to be left without you even for a short time - all these are signals to contact specialists. If a child has become and remains aggressive, pugnacious, or frequently receives minor injuries, if the child is too obedient, tries to stay close to you, often tells you nice things or fawns over you, these are also reasons for concern.

Key message: life goes on

Everything you say and do should have one core message: “Misfortune happened. It's scary, painful, bad. And yet life goes on and everything will get better.” Re-read this phrase again and say it to yourself, even if the deceased is so dear to you that you refuse to believe in life without him.

If you are reading this, you are a person who is not indifferent to children’s grief. You have someone to support and something to live for. And you also have the right to your acute grief, you have the right to support, to medical and psychological help. No one has ever died from grief itself, as such: any grief, even the most terrible, passes sooner or later, this is inherent in us by nature. But it happens that grief seems unbearable and life is given with great difficulty. Don't forget to take care of yourself too.

About the expert

psychologist, systemic family psychotherapist, member of the Society of Family Consultants and Psychotherapists.

The material was prepared based on lectures by psychologist and psychotherapist Varvara Sidorova.

For infants under three years of age, the concept of “fear of death” means absolutely nothing. And the very feeling of fear comes to them with the first injuries or the absence of their mother. Developing and learning about the world around him, a child at this age begins to notice dead insects, birds, animals, pets around him or, even worse, experiences the death of loved ones. These events leave an indelible mark on the child’s psyche, bringing with them a feeling of fear of darkness and loneliness. This is how the fear of death is formed in a person from an early age.

It is quite natural that, faced with such problems, a child tries to find an answer to a lot of questions with which he comes to adults. What is our reaction? Vague, made up answers on the fly, like: “You and I will not die. Don't be stupid." Trying to distract a child from reality will fill his head with fantasies that are much worse than the truth, which will only worsen the situation. A characteristic feature of children of this age is fearlessness, which allows them to cross any boundaries of danger. Awareness of reality later becomes a kind of protection for the child; now he begins to evaluate his actions, their responsibility for his own life. Fear forces the child to listen to the advice of his parents, pushing his former courage and recklessness into the background. Therefore, no matter how afraid you may be of scaring your child, truthful conversations about death are still very important in his development.

Of course, the beginning of this dialogue with a child frightens parents, because we try so hard to protect the child from the realities of our adult world without disturbing his child’s psyche. However, on the contrary, this will help him more steadfastly perceive and endure sudden grief, and adapt to a harsher future. In order not to traumatize the child’s inner world, it is necessary to take into account some features when talking about death.

Firstly, it is very important to calmly respond to this topic, because it will come up spontaneously, unpreparedly. The unsure and frightened intonation of your voice will definitely be transmitted to the child. He will be even more frightened, the thought will arise that he has started a forbidden topic, after which punishment will follow. Start the conversation with the phrase: “I’ll try to explain to you...”.

Young children use short sentences and phrases in their communication. They are unable to process complex information with extensive reasoning. Therefore, speak the language of children: briefly, clearly and clearly. This will be very important for him.

The topic of death is very serious. And if it affected the child, then the moment has come when he is ready to understand it and perceive it as it is. Give him an honest answer, adding that all living things in the world are not eternal.

The issue of death always takes parents by surprise. What should I answer him? What does he want to hear in response? Children are most often interested in the following...

“Are you and I going to die?” This question worries children the most. You should not deceive your child, as was already written above. It is necessary to truthfully tell the baby his entire future long life, focusing on the positive aspects and the fact that the end of life is still far, far away. A well-developed instinct of self-preservation will push the child to the next question: “How can this be avoided?” The tales of eternity that you came up with in response will dissipate over time, leaving behind deep emotional trauma from the loss of loved ones and a feeling of deception.

It is difficult for a child to understand the process of life. Therefore, the logical question is: “Why is this happening?” Tell him about human organs that age over time and cannot fight disease, causing him to die.

Children are also interested in the funeral procession, which inspires fear even in adults. Don't be afraid to tell your child about it. Describe the whole process, what happens to the deceased, how they then come to the cemetery with flowers, how they take care of the grave. After this, children are often interested in whether their deceased relatives see them. In this case, mentioning the human soul will be useful. Tell your child about the soul that, after the death of a person, goes to heaven and then from there comes to us in a dream and says hello, rejoices when we remember the deceased.

Seeing the bitterness of the losses of people close to us, children learn emotional empathy. A parent's duty in such situations is to teach the child how to properly cope with grief and loss.

Don’t know what material to use for a monument? The number one choice is granite monuments. Such a monument will last for decades and will look like new. Pay tribute to the memory of your relative who has left this world.

Now the TV screen is actively constantly reporting on the number of wounded and dead in the confrontation in Kyiv. And the weekend of February 22-23, 2014 has been declared a day of mourning. The topic of death inevitably interests every child sooner or later. As a rule, this happens after the loss of relatives. But the current circumstances in Ukraine will provoke many children to think about what “died”, “died”, etc. means.

We offer you tips that will help you adequately respond to children’s questions and form the necessary association with the younger generation. After all, if you behave correctly on your part, the child will form images that will help him cope with grief if it comes directly into his life.

The first and most important rule: when you hear a question about death, you must react calmly. Remember that the child is now looking at you with all his eyes. Was mom scared? So, I should be afraid too! Is mom angry? It means I did something bad and I can’t talk about it. If your reaction is negative, then the child may withdraw into himself, and his questions will remain without the answers he needs so much.

Rule two: talk to your child in his language. Express yourself in words the baby can understand. There is no need for too lengthy discussions. It is better to answer each question in 2-3 understandable phrases. If the child is satisfied with the answers, then he has enough for now. If not, then he will ask clarifying questions (immediately or after some time), to which he should also receive answers.

Rule three: honesty . If a child asks you about death, it means that he is internally ready to learn that the life of every person (including him!) is finite. Moreover, he needs this knowledge at the moment. And it would be a big mistake to assure him otherwise.

How exactly can you explain to a child what death is? Here the image of the immortal soul, which exists in all religions, comes to our aid. Century after century, people believe that the soul is immortal, and this helps them cope with fear. Therefore, when talking with a child, you can take this plot as a basis: first a person is born, grows, becomes an adult, then he has his own children, and the children have grandchildren. And when a person becomes very old, he dies. His body is buried in a cemetery, and his soul flies to heaven.

Masha, 36 years old: “I told my niece that when his time on earth expires, a person dies, and his body is buried in the ground, on which flowers and grass then grow. And her soul flies to heaven, where she looks at those she left on earth and helps with good advice. But to hear this advice, you need to listen, because... She speaks very quietly, only to the one for whom this advice is intended.”

Sveta, 25 years old: “When Vanya asked me what death is, I said that when a person dies, his body remains on earth, and his relatives bury him, but his soul flies to heaven. And she also said that a person remains to live in our hearts. Yes, we can’t see him or talk to him anymore, but as long as a person is remembered by his family, he lives.”

The child will definitely ask you clarifying questions: “Are you going to die? And dad? And grandma? And the cat Vaska? And I?". All these questions must be answered honestly: “Yes, we will all die someday, but it will not be very soon. We will be together for a long, long time. You will grow up, you will also have children, and I will become a grandmother, and will babysit my grandchildren, and only when I become very old will I die. And you will continue to live and die very old.” By saying this, you are giving your child a good positive program for a long life. The important thing is that you focus not on the fact of death, but on the fact of long life. This brings relief to the child and makes it easier to come to terms with the necessity of the finitude of life, because this will not be so soon!

Your child may ask you questions about the funeral ritual. We must honestly answer that the deceased is placed in a coffin along with flowers, the relatives look at him for the last time, cry, and say goodbye. Then the coffin is buried in the ground, and flowers begin to grow on this ground. Then people come to the cemetery, care for the grave and remember the deceased.

The baby will definitely ask questions about what is happening to the soul: “Does it see us? Is she in heaven? Can the soul return? To this we can answer that the soul of the deceased is in heaven, that it is calm and good there, so the soul rejoices when something good is remembered about a person, and is sad if they cry for a long time. Sometimes the deceased comes in dreams, but there is no need to be afraid of this, this is the soul’s way of saying hello. And the fact that the deceased can return must, of course, be answered in the negative.

How you should never respond to questions about death:

- Under no circumstances should you be afraid. and start asking, “why are you asking me this?” The reaction should be calm. If you asked, it means you have grown up to it.

- You can’t tell lies.“You won’t die, I won’t die, etc.,” is a lie. And the child, as an intuitive being, reads your reaction. Moreover, if you promise him that he and his family will not die, and after some time a misfortune occurs, then this will be an even greater shock for the child: grief, increased by the knowledge that he was deceived.

- You cannot promise a child that he will “die only if he wants to” . No person in their right mind would want this. Also, there is no need to promise that he will be able to come up with a cure for death. However, if the child himself came up with this idea, there is no need to convince him otherwise. It should be clarified that this will not be a medicine for death, but one that prolongs life.

— When defining death, you cannot use common phrases-templates, such as: “left us”, “fell asleep in eternal sleep.” In these cases, the child may develop a fear of separation from his family (“what if they don’t come back?”) and a fear of falling asleep, which can seriously disturb sleep. Also, when explaining what death is, one cannot say that it is when a person “goes far, far away.” In this case, the child does not form the concept of the finitude of existence, and he continues to wait for the deceased relative. Also, he may still have resentment and anger that he left without saying goodbye.

So, if a child has switched to more life-affirming topics, and in his games the topic of death, if touched upon at all, is somehow in passing, not being the main one. If he soon became playful again, this means that the theme of death has worked its way, and the experience gained has gone into the subconscious. Having asked new questions and received answers, the baby thinks much more about life than about death. And this is the beauty of a child’s view of the world!

Based on materials from: http://psyhelp.rodim.ru/